I held my tongue when you said it but I cannot hold it any longer. There is one thing that you said to me that I really did not like at all. We were talking about grandma and how much we miss her and so on and so forth and then you said that we came around in the end. Like if we were never there for her. Then you said that I myself came around towards the end. Well all I have to say to that is fuck you. I love grandma and she knows that I was always there for her. Then for you to say that I came around in the end like if I was never there just made me feel like shit. Thats great that you were there at the house every day and I wasnt but I was there for her I love her and then for you to try to pass judgement on me saying that I came around towards the end. FUCK YOU! i never really argue with you because I don’t like to but you have just been saying things that are getting under my skin. Like the fact that you think just because grandma practically raised you, you can all of a sudden talk shit to the brothers and sisters. You are not a brother or a sister. You have no right to talk shit. She raised me too. I was there the whole time you were. Dont try to bundle yourself in you know grandma would say its up to the grownups and to stay out of it. Just don’t try getting all crazy trying to talk shit because you are not the only one who lost their mother.
Grandma. Words can’t even express how much I miss you. I love you with all my heart and I miss you. You know how much you ment to me. You taught me so much in life and I will never forget what you have taught me and the moments we shared from driving to Las Vegas and having the whole drive to just experience things with you till the times we would just lay in bed and just sleep and you would yell at me because I would turn too much. I remember when it would rain outside I would run in the house and run under the table and you would be right there to comfort me and Jessica. Till the times where you would yell at me and make me clean the house. You taught me almost everything that I know. You were like my second mother and you still are. I love you gramita. I will never forget you and will wrap my self in the memories of you and me when the world gets cold I will remember the times that it was warm and loving. I will never forget the look you had on your face when you were in the hospital and were just lying there helpless and hurt. I could see that you were not gonna be with us long and it pained me. You knew what was happening and you didn’t want us to be sad. You kept trying to speak to us and you couldn’t because they had the tubes down your throat. I wish I could have taken all the pain away and the sickness. I wish you were here to spend the holidays with us. It will never be the same again for my whole life. Usually I like change but this is one thing I never wanted to change in my life. So I hope you are happy and pain-free where ever you are and watch over me and I can’t wait to see your face again and hear your laugh and see your smile. I love you and miss you with all my heart.
You are truly one funny lady. You tell me that you have friends at work who can hack my accounts and tell you everything about me. That is fine and great if you are just that crazy and want to be that nosy. I mean what more do you want to find out? Cause there is nothing else. I am gay and that is pretty much the most important thing in YOUR life. I just pity you that you have to get your friends to spy on me. Like i have said before and will still say again. I have nothing to hide from you at all. ABSOLUTELY nothing to hide. I just have things that i chose not to share with you. I dont have to share everything with you as you dont share everything with me. So just get over your self and grow up. As for your friends. Congratulations on hacking my accounts and have fun making my mother even more crazy and hateful.
xoxo. Raul
Are never ment to hurt you, you must know that. I say those things because I say what is on my mind and I see the pain it causes you when I talk about it and I see the pain in your eyes when you tell me and I just want to help. I know that I hurt you at times but I figure that you are hurting much worse with other people hurting you. I say you are a push over because you are. I don’t like that you are a push over and I understand that you are this way for a reason and that I probably wouldn’t understand but I just want you to be happy and when other people are controling you then you are not happy. I love you and want the best for you. I just want you to stand up for yourself. Like I say there is only so much you can take before you break, well there is only so much I can take before I break on behalf of you. So don’t cry when I talk about it because I don’t want you to cry. I know at times my words stab at an already hurt heart but I can only say what I feel and hope that it sinks in.
I made a decision on not coming back to school next semester. Which would be the spring 2010 semester but now i am second thinking it. I have never liked school but have always known that i need it in order to better my self. I think that if i drop out of school this next semester that i wont come back and that scares me because i want to be well off in the future and not just be working dead-end jobs for the rest of my life. So i think i will stick with school no matter how much i hate it. I just need to start buckling down and take care of business.
So i am finally going to go through with it and take time off from school. I am just going to take a semester off but i feel like i can breath. I have just never really been into school and it has always just bored me and made me sour. As far back as i can remember school has always just been very, blah for me. I feel like i have always pushed my self in school because of my mother. When i was young my mom used to complain about me and my grades and not being a very good when it comes to studying. My mom always was talking to my teachers to try to make me do better in school but the thing is i never did. I just need to do it on my own terms and i will make it. I know that i have to get an education in this world in order to succeed at life but i dont want to pursue one right now. I just hate the fact that i am such a failure. My mom thinks i am the biggest failure of all time because i dont want to go to school but truth is i dont care. She always pushed me to do better in school but the thing is i tried and it was never enough for her. So this is a fair well to school for now. I will be back and will not really miss you at all when Im gone.
Since Friday I have just felt different. I don’t really know what to say or what to do. I just hate the fact that this cancer is comic back. I just wouldn’t know what to do without my grandma. My grandma has taught me so much in life and has always just been there for me. I just couldn’t imagine my grandma passing away. I hope with all my might that it is something else and she will be fine. I just love my grandma so much. I cannot let go and I never want to.
I am going to title this blurb just because i dont know what to title it. So i was at the mall and was walking around with my friend. Long story short, we walked into express and there was this boy who looked up and said “hi welcome to express, just let me know if you need anything”. I thought nothing of it and just said okay and kept walking. My friend Alyssa then followed me and said that he was checking me out. I started laughing and just kept walking. She then insisted that i go back and talk to him. I refused and walked out of the store. She then walked back in and was in there for like five minutes. She then came back out and said that she talked to him and he wanted me to go back and talk to him. I didnt believe her and walked out of the mall. She was asking me why i wouldnt go back, and i told her the truth. I think i am to fat and ugly to ever find love. It’s truly how i feel. I feel like i am to fat to ever be in a relationship. I also think that i am ugly and no one will ever love me. I just dont know how to get over these feelings. I once had a person tell me, “I thought gay people were skinny, well your not, so i guess your never going to find anyone then” I know that is stupid but i really stuck with me and every time i see my self in the mirror i hear that phrase. I just dont think i am handsome enough or skinny enough for anyone to love me. I like i said am just to fat and ugly and my teeth are hideous and just everything is wrong with me. I just dont think anyone can like me/find me attractive/love me because of these fatal flaws i posses.
I have not spoken to you in a while and quite frankly have not even thought of you. I know that sounds mean and im sorry i dont mean to be a bad friend but i just need time to be able to be your friend and not include any other feelings. I just felt like i needed to let you know this. Love You and hope to speak to you soon. Your friend – Raul.
