Are never ment to hurt you, you must know that. I say those things because I say what is on my mind and I see the pain it causes you when I talk about it and I see the pain in your eyes when you tell me and I just want to help. I know that I hurt you at times but I figure that you are hurting much worse with other people hurting you. I say you are a push over because you are. I don’t like that you are a push over and I understand that you are this way for a reason and that I probably wouldn’t understand but I just want you to be happy and when other people are controling you then you are not happy. I love you and want the best for you. I just want you to stand up for yourself. Like I say there is only so much you can take before you break, well there is only so much I can take before I break on behalf of you. So don’t cry when I talk about it because I don’t want you to cry. I know at times my words stab at an already hurt heart but I can only say what I feel and hope that it sinks in.

I made a decision on not coming back to school next semester. Which would be the spring 2010 semester but now i am second thinking it. I have never liked school but have always known that i need it in order to better my self. I think that if i drop out of school this next semester that i wont come back and that scares me because i want to be well off in the future and not just be working dead-end jobs for the rest of my life. So i think i will stick with school no matter how much i hate it. I just need to start buckling down and take care of business.

So i am finally going to go through with it and take time off from school. I am just going to take a semester off but i feel like i can breath. I have just never really been into school and it has always just bored me and made me sour. As far back as i can remember school has always just been very, blah for me. I feel like i have always pushed my self in school because of my mother. When i was young my mom used to complain about me and my grades and not being a very good when it comes to studying. My mom always was talking to my teachers to try to make me do better in school but the thing is i never did. I just need to do it on my own terms and i will make it. I know that i have to get an education in this world in order to succeed at life but i dont want to pursue one right now. I just hate the fact that i am such a failure. My mom thinks i am the biggest failure of all time because i dont want to go to school but truth is i dont care. She always pushed me to do better in school but the thing is i tried and it was never enough for her. So this is a fair well to school for now. I will be back and will not really miss you at all when Im gone.

Since Friday I have just felt different. I don’t really know what to say or what to do. I just hate the fact that this cancer is comic back. I just wouldn’t know what to do without my grandma. My grandma has taught me so much in life and has always just been there for me. I just couldn’t imagine my grandma passing away. I hope with all my might that it is something else and she will be fine. I just love my grandma so much. I cannot let go and I never want to.

I am going to title this blurb just because i dont know what to title it. So i was at the mall and was walking around with my friend. Long story short, we walked into express and there was this boy who looked up and said “hi welcome to express, just let me know if you need anything”. I thought nothing of it and just said okay and kept walking. My friend Alyssa then followed me and said that he was checking me out. I started laughing and just kept walking. She then insisted that i go back and talk to him. I refused and walked out of the store. She then walked back in and was in there for like five minutes. She then came back out and said that she talked to him and he wanted me to go back and talk to him. I didnt believe her and walked out of the mall. She was asking me why i wouldnt go back, and i told her the truth. I think i am to fat and ugly to ever find love. It’s truly how i feel. I feel like i am to fat to ever be in a relationship. I also think that i am ugly and no one will ever love me. I just dont know how to get over these feelings. I once had a person tell me, “I thought gay people were skinny, well your not, so i guess your never going to find anyone then” I know that is stupid but i really stuck with me and every time i see my self in the mirror i hear that phrase. I just dont think i am handsome enough or skinny enough for anyone to love me. I like i said am just to fat and ugly and my teeth are hideous and just everything is wrong with me. I just dont think anyone can like me/find me attractive/love me because of these fatal flaws i posses.

I have not spoken to you in a while and quite frankly have not even thought of you. I know that sounds mean and im sorry i dont mean to be a bad friend but i just need time to be able to be your friend and not include any other feelings. I just felt like i needed to let you know this. Love You and hope to speak to you soon. Your friend – Raul.

I have finally settled on a major. I am going to major in Spanish. Spanish feels right for me. I know spanish already and I am actually good in the class and i just overall like to speak spanish and teach spanish and immerse my self in the language. I am happy that i am finally done to one major but at the same time it makes me sad. I have always had huge dreams of fame and fortune and entertaining people for a living and i feel like i am settling and giving up on my dreams. I just hate this feeling but at the same time i have the other feeling of happiness about my major. I am just so confused with my feelings.

I was talking with my friend today. I will not say their name because i dont want them to potentially have people mad at them because of me. The thing we were talking about was teen pregnancy and marriage. Well my view on the topic is simply, why? I dont understand why all these people want to have children at such young ages. A lot of people who went to school with me in high school are now parents and are married or getting divorced. I always remember thinking when i was young, what am i going to do when i get out of school? What college am i going to go to? What am i going to major in? Not what is the name of my kid going to be.? I just dont agree with teen pregnancy. I understand that it is your choice and thats fine but my thing is why not just wrap it up? Havent you ever heard of birth control? Condoms? Female Condoms? The morning after pill? I mean there are so many different ways to prevent pregnancy. Then to top it off they get married. This just puts me over the edge. Why? WHY? Why get married? You have your whole life to life and you waste it away by getting married. I mean if you and your other are ment to be together then why do you need a little piece of paper to say that? It’s just crazy to me how these women/men want to grow up so fast and fast track into adulthood. I am growing and maturing but its at my pace and not rushed just because i have to care for my child. These teen marriages mostly end in pain and hurt. Many people who are married at such a young age think “oh my god, i found my soul mate” when in reality they dont even know if they have in fact met their soul mate because they have not had a chance to look. I guess what i am saying is dont be stupid and ruin your life by rushing into adulthood. Dont get me wrong children are never mistakes but the way we get them usually are. If there is a young girl reading this and thinking about becoming a teenage mother or wife then do me a favor. Really REALLY look into that and how it will change your life permanently. Dont rush into marriage or motherhood. You have time just enjoy your life and Live. Also one last thought.

Birth Control:

The Pill.

Condoms.

Female Condoms

The morning after pill.

Use them wisely.

I was in the restroom today taking a shower and singing along to Miley Cyrus. It then hit me. That i seriously need to get on the ball and get my life together. I feel like music is my life’s calling. It just makes me so happy and i forget everything that is happening in my life. All the hurt and the pain in my life slips out and for that moment i am in it and nothing else matters. Music is literally my life and i will make it my profession one day. I just wanted to say that. thanks for listening.